We Fill a New Space

Flowers from our garden

So, I did it. After half a century of life, I finally worked up the nerve to invest in my first home. I gave up thinking it would be purchased for me. I stopped thinking of waiting for the perfect State to live in. Economics prodded me. Our apartment rent increased annually, and, literally, taking on a mortgage was cheaper. So, I did it. I must admit I was scared to death, terrified actually. I still am, but on a smaller scale.

All my life I thought this magic enterprise of purchasing a home was simply too difficult to understand. The mystery of it intimidated me. Fortunately, I found a realtor whom I could trust and he took me step-by-step through the process, pointing out the risks and realities at each turn. He helped me to understand what I was getting into and gave me pointers for how to handle things as they came along. Also, my well-practiced sister, who has purchased properties and businesses left and right, gave me valuable guidance. I felt so supported.

I couldn’t leave this State as my mother’s healthcare and doctors are so established here, I thought it would just be better to stay. I narrowed my search to locations that were central to the places I most often go. It was difficult. I couldn’t afford the cost of nicer homes and those homes within my financial range needed too much work.  One day I looked a bit above what I thought I could afford, just to see what those houses actually looked like. Amazingly, I found the perfect home to meet our needs, in an ideal location.

Lantana in our garden

We walked through the front entrance and the tall ceilings and bright sunshine cascading in captured my heart. The arrangement of rooms was perfect. What more could I hope for? The price was higher than I had hoped to find, but would still place me paying less than what we had been paying for rent for a smaller apartment. Then the long, nail biting process of inspections and offers and counter offers began. At one point, I felt rather hopeless. Who was I kidding? How could I ever have a home? For years, we moved from state to state and even abroad and back several times and it seemed with each shift, we had to start over again. But, God blessed us this time. I am so thankful! I suppose you could say the home and I are still on our honeymoon.

We’ve been here six months, but it feels as though we’ve never lived anywhere else. It’s so odd how that happens. We filled a space, blended into a rhythm of coming and going and interacting. Then, suddenly, we shifted to a new space. At first out of place like liquid falling into a glass, bouncing and splashing, pressing on the sides to snuggle finally into its new confines. Well, we’ve snuggled and I love it here.

Now, I look back and wonder why I felt so intimidated in the first place. It made me realize that the most terrifying things in life are those shrouded in the unknown. Death, for example, terrifies us because we really don’t know what happens after that. Is that it? Or is there something to come, some heaven or hell or reward or retribution? The unknown of it fills our hearts with dread. The secret to leaving fear and gaining confidence is to expand knowledge. Now when I feel afraid or anxious, I take a deep breath. I tell myself, God wouldn’t expect of me what I cannot handle and I start researching till my fears are quelled by what I learn.